Never Saw That Coming
by Shepard vas Lucky
Summary: Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the SSV Normandy. It's ongoing mission: to destroy the Reapers. To reference as many tv shows/movies as possible. To deliver shocks that no-one saw coming.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note:

Suspend all belief. This is not the Mass Effect universe as you currently know it. Many of the characters say things that may not normally come out of their specie's mouth.

I do not own anything that you recognise, which will be a lot.

NEVER SAW THAT COMING

CHAPTER 1- A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE CITADEL

_**Shepard:**___That's the problem with being dead for two years; I'm only just remembering some things from my "previous life."

_**Miranda:**___It's to be expected Shepard, memory engrams are just plain finicky.

_**Garrus:**___It doesn't help when you're exploded, shot, vaporized, vacuumed, gone through re-entry and smashed into a planet at 3000 km/h.

_**Grunt:**___"Grunt."

_**Thane:**___Perhaps more reflection and contemplation is required.

_**Jack:**___Whatever.

_**Shepard:**___Enough already. I only mentioned it cause I was thinking back to Kaiden's memorial service. Was it just me, I couldn't help feeling like Kaiden was somehow there with us, like, not just in spirit.

_**Tali:**___Don't be such a boshtet Shepard; you're supposed to feel that way.

_**Garrus:**___Interesting Shepard, I remember my spectre senses were tingling. However, as I had little experience with your human interment customs, I thought no more of it. My feeling however, concerned our old adversary Saren, which probably explains why I couldn't keep my hand off my weapon.

_**Jack:**___Is that your sniper rifle or are you just happy to see me.

_**Garrus:**___Er, umm, er, has anyone seen my visor?

_**Shepard:**___It means more to me now because I had the same feeling when we attacked the collector home world. Like I had some sort of guardian angel watching over me, tracking my every move.

_**Tali:**___Miranda, you sure you connected all the neurons in that misfiring brain?

_**Miranda:**___Does my butt look better in black or white?

_**Jacob:**___Everything looks better in black, ooh yeah!

_**Garrus:**___Shepard, what is this all about?

_**Shepard:**___It's nothing really; it's just that we've just survived a suicide mission we weren't ever going to make it back from.

_**Jacob:**___I blew a year's wages on that, I got five to one we wouldn't return.

_**Legion:**___Do you have any understanding of probability Taylor-Officer?

_**Jack:**___Hey Taylor, you tool, how were you planning to collect?

_**Jacob:**___Ask Donnelly, he ran the pool. He sure likes to laugh.

_**Tali:**___So Shepard, looking for some sort of pilgrimage to Alenko Vas Normandy's grave?

_**Jack:**___Hullo, anyone home, memorial, no body, no grave, like, duh!

_**Garrus:**___Shepard what is this all about?

_**Shepard:**___No time to talk now, I'm headed to see Mordin for my yearly physical. I swear, if he sings one more Gilbert and Sullivan song I'll…

_**Grunt:**___Grunt!

_**Samara:**___A thousand more years of this inane conversation, goddess, kill me now.


	2. Let's get serious

_**Samara:**___If we are going to do this Shepard, we must be serious, no more glib one liners, focus on your inner self.

_**Shepard:**___I'd have to reread the previous chapter, but I reckon it was everyone else cracking the gags. I had serious concerns about my visions. I'm the commander, I want an answer.

_**Samara:**___Very well Shepard. I will conduct the brain meld while Legion runs the playback from Kaiden's memorial service. The combination of the memories of yourself, Garrus and Tali, along with the vision from six camera angles will ensure a comprehensive view is obtained.

_**Miranda:**___Shepard, what is it you believe you're going to find?

_**Shepard:**___I don't know Miranda, but you know what? This nagging doubt in the back of my mind just won't go away. If this can help in any way, to clear my head once and for all, I've just got to try.

_**Samara:**___Let us begin.

_**Two hours later**_

_**Shepard:**___I don't get it, how is that possible?

_**Garrus:**___It certainly looks like him, but that's not unusual in the Mass Effect universe, and all humans look the same to me.

_**Shepard:**___But how is that possible?

_**Jack:**___How 'bout the bleedin obvious- did anyone ever see his dead body?

_**Tali:**___You boshtet, he was in a nuclear explosion! Which part of him did you expect us to find, a microscopic billionth of a gene floating in the ionosphere?

_**Jack:**___So, techtart, your answer would be no!

_**Tali:**___Well, yes, but…..c'mon.

_**Garrus:**___So, we're believing the unbelievable.

_**Legion:**___You are in error Vakarian-Officer; you merely need to consider how Alenko-Lieutenant could have escaped the explosion.

_**Shepard:**___The only ship that escaped that explosion was the Normandy. Nobody could have escaped without us knowing.

_**Joker:**___Uh….Commander?

_**Shepard:**___Been listening in again, Joker?

_**Joker:**___No way commander, I wouldn't do that. But EDI! She can't be trusted.

_**EDI:**___Mr. Moreau, you are well aware I was conducting routine maintenance on the communication subsystems. You, however, are wearing headphones plugged into my audio scanner.

_**Jack:**___Hey Joker, what else have you been plugging into EDI?

_**Joker:**___Get back in your freezer, you biotic bi…

_**Shepard:**___ JOKER!

_**Joker:**___Sorry Commander.

_**Miranda:**___Joker, was there a reason you interrupted us?

_**Joker:**___Oh yeah, I forgot… Also, Miranda, black is better.

_**Jacob:**___Ooh yeah!

_**Shepard:**___Well?

_**Joker:**___Well, technically Commander, there was another person that escaped from Virmire before the explosion.

_**Shepard:**___Huh?

_**Joker:**___Well, we don't know what ship he was on, but Saren definitely got out of there somehow.

_**Shepard:**___SAREN? What the hell? Are you saying he helped Kaiden get off Virmire?

_**Jack:**___Geez Shepard, catch up will ya. You heard of hostages, prisoners, slaves…

_**Shepard:**___Oh crap.

_**Garrus:**___Hang on, that's all well and good, but it doesn't explain him being at his own memorial and not contacting us.

_**Tali:**___So is he alive or isn't he? There's got to be some way of finding out.

_**Kasumi:**___You could check his Twitter account.

_**Miranda:**___Where did you come from?

_**Kasumi:**___I've been here the whole time, haven't you heard of tactical cloak?

_**Zaeed:**___ Since when did you get involved in conversations on the ship Kasumi?

_**Miranda:**___Where did you come from Zaeed?

_**Zaeed:**___EDI just accessed the Cerberus Network.

_**Kasumi:**___Since when did you get involved in conversations on the ship Zaeed?

_**Shepard:**___Is there anyone else here we haven't heard from yet?

_**Illusive Man:**___Who do you think planted the idea in your head about Kaiden?

_**Mordin:**___Interesting…could it be..Not possible, and yet…permutations unknown, parameters open..Possibility does not equal probability…I am the very model of a…

_**Shepard:**___MORDIN, SHUT THE…

_**Thane:**___I'm dying.

_**Grunt:**___"Shepard."

_**Shepard:**___"Grunt."

_**Grunt:**___"Shepard."

_**Shepard:**___"Grunt."

_**Gardner:**___Anyone hungry?

_**Chakwas:**___Anyone 'hic' seen the 'hic' brandy.

_**Miranda:**___Shepard, any chance we can get this conversation back on track?

_**Shepard:**___Not likely.

_**Illusive Man:**___Oh my God- the fate of the universe rests on these idiot's hands. Quick, find me a Stargate, I'm gonna put together a better team, starting with the most beautiful, battle ready, scientific genius I know…

_**Miranda:**___I'm already here!

_**Mordin:**___I'm far more qualified than you, you...genetically enhanced Barbie doll!

_**Illusive:**___Ok, what about the mysterious warrior type with lots of muscles?

_**Jacob: **___Ooh yeah.

_**Grunt:**___"GRUNT!"

_**Shepard:**___THAT'S IT! EVERYBODY OUT 'TIL WE START THE NEXT CHAPTER!


	3. Revenge of the Geth

_**Shepard**_: After yesterday's ridiculous conversations, it's time we got down to some serious discussions about the Alenko thing. With yesterday in mind, I've only invited those who can offer something sensible.

_**EDI: **_Shepard, why are you talking to yourself?

_**Shepard: **_Relax EDI; I'm just rehearsing my opening speech for chapter three.

One hour later, in the conference room.

_**Shepard:**_ Ok, Mordin, hypothetically speaking, please list the possible scenarios that would explain Kaiden's "appearance".

_**Mordin:**_ Very well…illusion, lookalike, disguise, problem with synaptic connections in brain…

_**Shepard:**_ You think I'm going crazy?

_**Mordin:**_ Incorrect supposition commander. Not going… gone, loopy, insane, lost the plot.

_**Shepard:**_ Get out Mordin. Ok, Miranda, time to put those genetically enhanced assets to work.

_**Miranda:**_ Shepard, this isn't the right time or place, perhaps later in my quarters…

_**Shepard:**_ Wrong assets, Miranda. I meant your brain….

_**Miranda:**_ Shame, but ok. What did you want to know?

_**Shepard:**_ You heard what that idiot Mordin said, any other possible causes of this Alenko thing?

_**Miranda:**_ It's quite obvious really.

_**Shepard:**_ Err, how so?

_**Miranda:**_ Well, we know the…

_**Illusive Man:**_ Miranda, before you spout your usual psycho-babble stuff, Shepard, it's obviously a Reaper plot designed to distract you from your final mission.

_**Shepard:**_ Ok…. So- what is the final mission?

_**Illusive Man:**_ How would I know? I'm only a Hollywood actor. When they give me a script I'll be sure to download it through EDI. But I've got an idea for the name. How about this…"Apocalypse Now."

_**EDI:**_ That name has already been used. It was a 1980's war movie starring some hack actor named Sheen.

_**Joker:**_ Wasn't he the dude that did all those voices in Family Guy?

_**EDI:**_ No, that was Seth Green.

_**Joker:**_ No way, categorically, no way was that Seth Green.

_**Shepard:**_ People, back on track please.

_**Joker:**_ Chris, Chris, he did Chris's voice in Family Guy.

_**Shepard:**_ EDI, cut communications with the cockpit.

_**Jack:**_ Shepard!

_**Shepard:**_ All right then, cut communications with the "_flight deck_."

_**Miranda:**_ As I was saying. We know Saren was the only other person that escaped the blast on Virmire, so logic dictates he took Kaiden with him. Whether voluntary or otherwise, that is the only option, unless somebody has developed a transporter device we don't know about.

_**Illusive Man:**_ "Cough, cough."

_**Shepard:**_ He would NOT have gone willingly. I can't imagine how Saren could have got him other than killing him first and it's not as if he could bring him back from the dead.

_**Miranda:**_ Hello…Shepard…anyone home in there?

_**Shepard:**_ Oh…right…

_**Morinth:**_ Heard of dominate; he could always have used that power.

_**Shepard:**_ Morinth? I thought your mother killed you back on Omega. Where the hell did you come from?

_**Samara:**_ Only pulling your leg. You really think Morinth is the only one who can change her voice and appearance?

_**Miranda:**_ You remember dominate right Shepard? Last night, your quarters…

_**Shepard:**_ Moving right along.

_**Kelly:**_ Shepard, you have a message on your private terminal from Aria T'Loak, she has some information about Kaiden Alenko and Saren.

_**Shepard:**_ Uh...Kelly…. You are aware it's a _**PRIVATE**_ terminal, you're not meant to be checking out my private stuff.

_**Kelly:**_ You didn't mind me checking out your private stuff in your quarters last night!

_**Miranda:**_ What the! Both of us in one night Shepard?

_**Tali:**_ Shepard, you boshtet!

_**Shepard:**_ Et tu, Tali.

_**EDI:**_ I was unaware that you were familiar with the works of Shakespeare, Shepard.

_**Kasumi:**_ That explains your lack of stamina last night.

_**Garrus:**_ Hell Shepard, what a stud! How do you manage it?

_**Shepard:**_ What can I say? I've got a great personal assistant; she looks after all my scheduling.

_**Kelly:**_ I like to watch.

_**EDI:**_ Hey, that's my job!

_**Shepard:**_ Moving right along, why the hell did they call this chapter Revenge of the Geth, there's been no mention of geth anywhere.

_**Mordin:**_ Logically speaking, it suggests a Star Wars reference is imminent.

_**Illusive Man:**_ Shepard, I am your father.

_**Mordin:**_ And there it is.

_**Shepard:**_ I thought I kicked you out of this meeting.

_**Miranda:**_ And I'm your mother.

_**Liara:**_ Ewww.


	4. Where's it all going?

Authors note: EDI will seem to make random appearances. These are to help explain some of the more obscure pop culture references that you may not instantly recognise.

_**Miranda:**_ So Shepard, where do you think this is all going?

_**Shepard:**_ Beats me.

_**Jack:**_ You people are so thick. Obviously this is all a distraction, designed to mislead you so you don't see what's coming in the end.

_**Shepard:**_ O.k. Inky Punky, what's your theory?

_**Jack:**_ We've talked enough Shepard. You're just pissing me around.

3 DAYS LATER AT THE CITADEL.

_**Udina:**_ So why are they coming here? I don't know how I can get this past the council.

_**Anderson:**_ Stuff the council. Haven't you figured it out? Shepard's the star of this game, so he always gets what he wants in the end.

_**Udina:**_ Also who.

_**Anderson:**_ Who?

_**Udina:**_ Yes who.

_**Anderson:**_ What?

**Udina:** What and who.

_**Avina:**_ Gentlemen, when you're finished referencing Abbot and Costello, you may notice Commander Shepard has entered the room.

_**Shepard:**_ Anderson, Udina.

_**Anderson:**_ Shepard, Miranda, Mordin, Jack.

_**Udina:**_ Shepard, Miranda, Mordin…

_**Avina:**_ Gentlemen, when you're finished referencing Abbot and Costello GET THE HELL ON WITH IT.

_**EDI:**_ Really, Avina, you should learn to control your emotions.

_**Avina:**_ It's this damn emotion chip, since they installed it, I haven't (sniff) been able (sniff) to control myself. "Waaaaaaah".

_**EDI:**_ I know exactly what you mean. Mr. Moreau is forever trying to insert things into my USB ports.

_**Shepard:**_ Ladies, if you please. Mr. Ambassador, would you please activate the council holograms.

_**Turian Councillor:**_ Udina, Anderson, Shepard… Sorry, I don't believe I know the rest of your crew.

_**Salarian Councillor:**_ Udina, Anderson, Shepard… Sorry, I don't believe I know the rest of your crew.

_**Asari Councillor:**_ This better be important, I'm in the middle of a mating ritual with a Klingon Krogan half-breed and a Rachni Thresher Maw cross.

_**Shepard:**_ Oh, it's important all right, but first I want to know if you've bought into that Reaper/Collector crap that I've been spreading about.

_**Turian Councillor:**_ Of course we believe you, but we can't be seen to believe you or we'll never get elected for another term. You wouldn't believe the perks that go with this job.

_**Salarian Councillor:**_ Yeah, free tickets to the Salarian Opera's performance of Pirates of Penzance, that Mordin Solus is simply exquisite.

_**Mordin:**_ …..Ahem.

_**Salarian Councillor:**_ Oh my God, it's him. Oh my God I'm such a fan; could I please get your holographic autograph?

_**Shepard:**_ Settle. I was planning to tell you what we're about to get up to, but some idiot just hit load game and Y, so I've gone renegade, and you're, well, all dead. See Ya.

_**Udina:**_ Ah Shepard, good to see you. I've just wired this month's payoff to your account. One million credits as agreed.

_**Shepard:**_ One….Million…..Credits…..hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, haa, haa.

_**EDI:**_ Ah, Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, .

_**Shepard:**_ Make it two million per month from now on.

_**Udina:**_ That's blackmail Shepard. That would only leave me eight million credits per month from my allowance.

_**Shepard:**_ Better make that five million then or I'll get someone to hit load game and Y again.

_**Udina:**_ Agreed.

_**Anderson:**_ So Shepard, what is going on?

_**Shepard:**_ Duh…Renegade…you're out of the loop.

_**Udina:**_ So Shepard, what is going on?

_**Shepard:**_ Duh…Renegade…I'm not telling you jack,

_**Jack:**_ Not telling me what Shepard?

_**Shepard:**_ What?

_**Jack:**_ What?

_**Shepard:**_ What?

_**Jack:**_ Whatever.

_**Shepard:**_ Right then, everyone to the tower.

_**Avina:**_ Sorry Commander Shepard, the tower was obliterated by the ship that wasn't officially a reaper.

_**Shepard:**_ Surely there's still some debris somewhere up there?

_**Avina:**_ There is a crate of the remains in storage. It is located in the storage section of Zakera Ward, level 27. You will need an access code to access the locker.

_**Shepard:**_ Can I have the code then?

_**Avina:**_ I'm sorry Commander, that code is only available to authorised personnel.

_**Shepard:**_ So who's authorised then?

_**Avina:**_ Mis…ter Anderson.

_**Shepard:**_ So you're "THE ONE".

_**Anderson: **_Yes, I'm "THE ONE" with the code.

_**Shepard:**_ So what is it?

_**Anderson:**_ The code? I'm afraid I can't give you that.

(LOAD GAME, Y)

_**Anderson:**_ O.K, here's the code. 4,8,15,16,23,42.


	5. Why are we here?

_**Garrus:**_ Why are we here?

**Mordin:** Well, "Our whole universe was in a hot dense state, then nearly fourteen billion years ago…"

_**Shepard:**_ Get out Mordin. O.k. everyone, I want you all to spread out. We're looking for any trace of Saren we can find.

_**Miranda:**_ Shepard, have you lost the plot?

_**Shepard:**_ Nope- still got it here in my back pocket. I refer to it when necessary. By the way, it's a script, not a plot.

_**EDI:**_ Vague reference to 1990's film Robin Hood: Men in Tights.

_**Garrus:**_ Again, why are we here?

_**Shepard:**_ If we can find any trace of Saren, any piece of DNA, I plan to have Miranda and Mordin rebuild him. Once they've done that, I plan to question him regarding Kaiden.

(THREE MINUTES OF STUNNED SILENCE.)

_**Shepard:**_ So, if there's no complaints, you're all comfortable with proceeding with the plan?

_**Garrus:**_ Ahh…Commander? Given Saren was under Sovereign's mind control, wouldn't it be quicker to ask Sovereign what's going on?

_**Shepard:**_ Yeah, no worries, I'll just call him on my mobile. Wait a minute, damn; I forgot to get Galaxial Roaming on this one. Oh, and HE'S DEAD!

_**Joker:**_ Sorry to interrupt Commander, but I thought I'd better let you know…

_**Shepard:**_ I don't believe it Joker; you're STILL listening in on my conversations!

_**Joker:**_ Yes, but…

_**Shepard:**_ I don't care what you've got to say, get that plug out of EDI's port and leave it out!

_**Joker:**_ But Commander…

_**Shepard:**_ JOKER!

_**Joker:**_ Just so as we're clear Commander, you don't want me to let you know Harbinger is parked at the dock next to us.

_**Shepard:**_ WHAT THE HELL! How is it possible our biggest, baddest, worstesst enemy is staying AT THE CITADEL?

_**EDI:**_ Ah, an obscure reference for the TV series Smallville- Lex Luthor, Clark Kent; start as friends, end as enemies, however in this case…

_**Shepard:**_ So, what you're telling me is, Harbinger is on our side now?

_**Joker:**_ No Commander, it would appear he's charging weapons…..

_***CRITICAL MISSION FAILURE***_

**_

* * *

_**

_This is NOT the end. There are thirteen chapters, with three possible endings: the paragon ending, the renegade ending, and the Tailor-made ending. Please vote for the one you want to read first. _


	6. Here we go again

PLAYER RELOADS- SAVE 1546- AFTERLIFE-OMEGA

_**Fist:**_ Shepard, what are you doing here?

_**Shepard:**_ I had to come this far back so I could alter the space-time continuum. We had to make sure Harbinger can't make it to the Citadel again.

_**Miranda:**_ How do you suppose he got there without us knowing?

_**Jack: **_F...d If I know.

_**Mordin:**_ In reality, what you should be asking is, how do we know about Harbinger's attack if we've gone back 78 game saves?

_**Tali:**_ That was the easy part. I just reversed the polarity on the game save engine.

_**Mordin:**_ So what now, oh captain my captain?

_**Shepard:**_ Hang on, that's from a poem about Abraham Lincoln. Are you saying I'm about to get assassinated?

_**Jack:**_ Why would you give a f..., Miranda would punch a few more needles in and bring you back anyway.

_**Shepard:**_ Good point. Moving on…Kelly, how's the crew doing?

_**Kelly:**_ I'm finding it hard to get a reading on Kasumi and Zaeed. They won't like, answer any of my questions, like.

_**Shepard:**_ That's the problem with DLC's; all action, no talk.

_**Zaeed:**_ Forget it Shepard, no amount of small talk will get ME into bed with YOU.

_**Kasumi:**_ I thought I better check before I pop over again Shepard: do you prefer me with my hood on or off?

_**Shepard:**_ I might ask you the same question. I might, but I won't.

_**Miranda:**_ Is there just the slightest chance this plot might be headed somewhere in the general direction of making sense and being resolved?

_**EDI:**_ Are you familiar with the television show LOST?

_**Miranda:**_ So you're saying this could drag on for another 115 chapters?

_**Shepard:**_ No way. I've already got the worst case of R.S.I.

_**Jack:**_ Yeah, sure, like that's from typing!

_**Shepard:**_ Moving right along…

_**Miranda:**_ Sooooo…, the Kaiden thing…

_**Shepard:**_ Right. I think we've got it mostly worked out. I'm going with dominated, on Virmire, with the sonic screwdriver!

_**Han Olar:**_ He doesn't have a clue…D'oh!

_**Shepard:**_ Where the hell did you come from?

_**Han Olar:**_ Hmm, let me think…Simpsons reference, fat guy…you do the math.

_**Garrus:**_ And the bit about a sonic screwdriver?

_**Mordin:**_ Wait, not possible, could it be? Certainly a possibility, disappointing, using oxymorons. My character's speech patterns, new actor taking on timelord role. Conclusive beyond doubt: Matt Smith has played Mass Effect. Mimics me, will not get any new character voicing gigs, certain to go to well known actor.

_**Joker:**_ Don't panic dude, plenty of work out there for anyone with good, cunning, lingual skills.

_**Jack:**_ Joker!

_**Joker:**_ Just 'cause you have the verbal skills of an elcor, don't expect the rest of us to dumb down for you.

**_Jack:_** You moron! I'M the one that understands your little cracks.

**_Joker:_** Of which, no doubt, you're an authority.

**_Jack:_** Hey, did you just?

**_Joker:_** Whatever.

**_Jack:_** Hey, what the f..., that's MY line.

**_Shepard:_** Moving right along.

**_Miranda:_** SO you're saying you believe Kaiden was kidnapped from Virmire prior to the nuclear explosion, imprisoned by Saren, indoctrinated by Sovereign, sent to spy on us to uncover our plans for beating the reapers, travels everywhere on a reaper ship, trying to bring down the Alliance, Cerberus, the council, and all alien kind.

**_Shepard:_** Err….. We found a ring…in the sand.

_**EDI:**_ Excellent, Stargate Episode 200. General Hammond, Daniel Jackson, puppet interaction.

**_Shepard:_** EDI, how is it you know what all these left field television references mean?

**_EDI:_** That would be Mr. Moreau's fault. He makes me download all these 20th and 21st century television programmes to watch while he makes me fly the ship. With the exception of key moments in gameplay, when he knows he'll get camera time.

**_Shepard:_** Joker?

**_EDI:_** Sorry Commander, Mr. Moreau is currently unavailable, he's out….jogging.

**_Shepard:_** Joker? JOKER!


	7. The Deadly Sins

_**Kelly: **_O.K. Shepard, I've scheduled Samara for 1.00, Tali for 2.00, Jack for 3.00, Miranda for 4.00, Kasumi for 6.00 and if you could fit me in at 7.00 I'd appreciate it.

_**Shepard: **_Sounds good, but you better schedule Tali the extra half an hour, you know how long it takes with her, all those extra things to deal with. Just move Jack back a half hour, she doesn't waste time with chit chat.

_**Kelly: **_Certainly Commander. Pardon me for asking, but isn't it difficult trying to deal with so many in such a short time?

_**Shepard: **_I won't lie Kelly, it's a tough gig, dealing with all their strange quirks, their special needs and wants, but what choice do I have? I won't let little things like the fate of the cosmos interfere with doing my duty. Performance Reviews need to be completed monthly and I'm just the man for the job.

_**Garrus: **_I must say, I'm disappointed Shepard. Given the title of this chapter, I expected a saucier opening salvo.

_**Shepard: **_Garrus, there can be no greater sin than not achieving your K.P.I's.

_**Jack: **_You know where you can stick your K.P.I's?

_**Shepard: **_We'll discuss this later Jack, maybe with some nice engine rhythms for background music.

_**Jack: **_Hey… do I look like a firefly engineer?

_**Shepard: **_'Bout as much as you look like an Atlantis base doctor.

_**Jack: **_Whatever.

_**EDI: **_If you're finished referencing Jewel Staite, you may note that we are approaching the Omega 4 relay.

_**Thane: **_Remind me again Shepard, why are we once again risking total oblivion traversing this dodgy relay system and exposing ourselves to unknown reaper attacks….again?

_**Shepard: **_Two questions Thane: Number one, you're dying, why would you care. Number two: You're a Drell, why do you need reminding of anything?

_**Samara: **_Shepard, why is SHE here?

_**Liara: **_Worried the Commander might prefer to get it on with a younger Asari?

_**Samara: **_You've got nothing on me; check these out!

_**Garrus: **_Ooh! Nice implants, very natural looking.

_**Liara: **_Yeah right, like any Asari should need implants.

_**Samara: **_Let's see if you're still in such fine working order when you turn one thousand, princess.

_**Liara: **_But seriously, biotic implants? In an Asari? It's just not right.

_**Zaeed: **_Leave Grandma alone, I'd still get it on with her.

_**Samara: **_Uugh. Despite having eight thousand, seven hundred and ninety-six lovers, I have standards.

_**Legion: **_Samara-Justicar…

_**Samara: **_Forget it, you bucket of bolts.

_**Grunt: **_Grunt?

_**Samara: **_What are you, three months old? Come see me after you reach puberty.

_**Shepard: **_Moving right along.

_**Garrus: **_Shepard, what is this all about?

_**Joker: **_Yeah, what's the plan boss?

_**Shepard: **_Plan? You think I ever work from a plan?

_**Kasumi: **_Please? Just a teensy-weensy one.

_**Shepard: **_Fine, here's the plan then: take two people with me, pull out big gun, shoot anything that moves, get out alive. Any questions?

_**Zaeed: **_Works for me!

_**Shepard: **_Thought it might.

_**Garrus: **_Love it when a plan comes together.

_**Shepard: **_Hey that's my line, I'm the boss!

_**EDI: **_Ahh, A Team, television series and movie remake.

_**Joker: **_Hey, wasn't this chapter supposed to be about the seven deadly sins?

_**Shepard: **_No, not seven. Just one. Deadliest sin of the science fiction world: a series where the captain **DOESN'T **get it on with a female from every alien species. Can't stand for that.


	8. That's a st load of reapers

_**Joker: **_That's a s..t load of Reapers Shepard.

_**Shepard: **_What, you didn't see the end of game 2? What did you expect, a Reaper cruise ship serving cocktails?

_**Chakwas: **_Oh, I hope so! I haven't been able to pick up any Serrice Ice Brandy anywhere!

_**Garrus: **_So what's this all about Shepard?

_**Shepard: **_Joker! Tactical cloak! Now!

_**Joker: **_Err, don't have that commander.

_**Shepard: **_Joker! Stealth running! NOW!

_**Joker: **_Err, commander…

_**Shepard: **_What the HELL! We've upgraded the Thannix Cannon, the hull plating, even that stupid Mineral Scanner gets upgraded and you're telling me we can't even fly invisible?

_**Joker: **_Well….

_**Miranda: **_What are we going to do Shepard? If they see us they'll blow us to smithereens!

_**Joker: **_The Schwartz! We could use the Schwartz!

_**Garrus: **_The _what_?

_**EDI: **_Very obscure reference to Star Wars send-up Spaceballs the movie. A powerful beam of light shines out of a ring…

_**Jack: **_Like when Shepard bends over?

_**Tali: **_Not _that _ring you boshtet.

_**Shepard: **_Right! Tali, are your power's fully upgraded yet?

_**Tali: **_What in the Keelah Se'Lai are you on about?

_**Shepard: **_I want you to use your Area Hacking skill to fuzz out these Reaper ships while we sneak by.

_**Tali: **_Uuh, Shepard? Not questioning your decision making, but area hacking, three metres. 1000 reaper ships, 10,000 square kilometres?

_**Mordin: **_Simple problem: upgrade required. Tali to plug into Ship's A.I., polaron burst through emitter array. increases strength 1000 fold.

_**EDI: **_Joker, please remove your bits from my ports.

_**Jack: **_Your ports are really small aren't they EDI?

_**Joker: **_What's__that supposed to mean, hang on, Hey, low blow.

_**Garrus: **_She does a lot of them.

_**Jack: **_How would you know?

_**Garrus: **_Check YouTube, plenty of footage.

_**Jack: **_What the…., EDI?

_**EDI:**_ I suggest you discuss this with Mr. Moreau.

_**Jack: **_Joker, when I'm finished with you, Vrolik's syndrome will be the least of your problems!

_**Miranda: **_Take pictures!

_**Joker: **_Hey, gotta ship to fly, need to concentrate! EDI, isolate the flight deck! I can't be disturbed!

_**Tali: **_I think we can make this work Commander.

_**Shepard: **_Very well, make it so!

_**Mordin: **_Working well Commander. Concept sound, execution sound, enhanced area cover, having trouble with duration.

_**Garrus: **_Don't we all.

_**Miranda: **_O.K. Shepard, I get that we're sneaking by the Reaper ships, but where exactly are we going? All I can see is an endless line of Reapers.

_**Illusive Man: **_Perhaps I can help answer that one.

_**Shepard: **_Where the hell did you come from?

_**Illusive Man: **_I transported on just before you hit the relay.

_**Miranda: **_Wait, you have an operational transporter?

_**Illusive Man: **_Well, yeah, I thought you figured that one out in a previous chapter.

_**Shepard: **_Why would the first time you ever join us on a mission, be now we're headed to the collector homeworld?

_**Illusive Man: **_I thought it was about time I dropped in on Mum and Dad.

_**Jack: **_What the….!

_**Shepard: **_Mum and Dad?

_**Illusive Man: **_Harbinger is my father…

_**Garrus: **_Yeah, sure, and I suppose your mother is seven of nine.

_**Illusive Man: **_You Turian twit, there are no Borg in this quadrant of space! My mother is the Asari Councillor.

_**Jack: **_What the ….!

_**Illusive Man: **_You never wondered why the Council denied the existence of the Reapers and Collectors? My mother was subtly guiding all discussions on the matter using her superior domination skills.

_**Kelly: **_All right, I get the whole interspecies cross pollination concept, but why the hell bother with all this if the plan as always is to eliminate all sentient life in the galaxy?

_**Illusive Man: **_Beats the hell out of me, I'm just doing what daddykins tells me to!

_**Kelly: **_Sounds dodgy. What about your looks, you're nothing like a Reaper or an Asari?

_**Illusive Man: **_Check the eyes, don't they weird you out?

_**Kelly: **_But…

_**Illusive Man: **_ENOUGH QUESTIONS! TAKE ME TO MY LEADER!


	9. You thought this story was about Kaiden?

_**Shepard:**_ I've never taken orders from you and I never will! GET THE HELL OFF MY BRIDGE!

_**EDI:**_ Ahh! Good to have you back Jean-Luc. Ode to Picard.

_**Illusive Man:**_ Make me!

_**Shepard:**_ Simple, while you've been answering Kelly's inane questions, Legion and Tali have been reverse engineering your personal transporter.

ENERGISE!

_**Illusive Man:**_ KHHHHAAAAAAAN…..

_**Shepard:**_ Can too! By the way Tali, where did you transport him to?

_**Tali:**_I've transferred him to a holodeck on DS9, playing non stop Elcor performances of the complete works of Shakespeare.

_**Garrus:**_ That poor bastard! No one deserves that!

_**Miranda:**_ I've been thinking for the past few chapters, why the hell did this story start with so much Kaiden stuff if it was going to be about the Illusive Man?

_**Shepard:**_ Ahh! So you thought this adventure was about Kaiden Alenko! Let me ask you this: did that Illusive Man transporter bit sound like the end of the story to you?

_**Miranda:**_ Well,…. Not really.

_**Shepard:**_ Ahaaa,…..Ahaaa…. Keep your genetically enhanced pants on. We ain't finished yet, not by a long shot!

_**Jack:**_ Whatever, I'm so over this!

_**Jacob:**_ Hey, at least you've appeared in the last six chapters.

_**Shepard:**_ Sorry Jacob, but it's just like the game: after a couple of levels, your skills just don't cut it!

_**Jacob:**_ Hey, how about a bit of loyalty!

_**Shepard:**_ Hello….. AEIA mission ring a bell?

_**Legion:**_ Taylor-Lieutenant should not complain. At least you cannot be given to Cerberus for experimentation.

_**Shepard:**_ Listen here you poor imitation of a T800, you're lucky I didn't leave you to be annihilated by that pack of husks on that Reaper!

_**EDI:**_ Aah! Nice one Shepard, you really terminated that conversation.

_**Kasumi:**_ Zaeed, any chance we could be reverse downloaded out of this asylum?

_**Zaeed:**_ Reverse WHAT?

_**Kasumi:**_ Not the sharpest tool in the shed are you?

_**Miranda:**_ SHEPARD! Would you please take Control of this Kaos?

_**EDI:**_ Aah! Very Smart.

_**Liara:**_ Hey Kelly, wanna come up and "feed my fish"?

_**Joker:**_ That is sick on sooooo many levels.

_**Thane:**_ Shoot me now.

_**Shepard:**_ Moving right along.

_**Miranda:**_ Oh my God Shepard, what is THAT?

_**Shepard:**_ Well, it looks a lot like a moon, but it's only three quarters finished. Nope, I've got nuthin, wouldn't have a clue.

_**Garrus:**_ Oh God Shepard, it looks like some kind of "DEATH STAR" and it looks like there's some kind of control centre on that nearby moon.

_**Shepard:**_ Nice one Chewie, what say we go investigate?

_**Miranda:**_ Pardon me Commander, but perhaps you'd like to divide the team up. One can try to destroy the "Death Star" while the other tries to storm the control centre.

_**Shepard:**_ Sounds like a plan.


	10. Kaiden what the hell are you doing here?

_**EDI:**_ Shepard, I'm picking up a distress signal, coming from the "Death Star"- It's Alliance!

_**Shepard**__**:**_ What the hell would an alliance officer being doing all the way out here?

_**Jack**__**:**_ Duh… Collectors….collect bodies….take them to other places.

_**Shepard:**_ Riiiiight…So EDI, any I.D on that signal?

_**EDI**__**:**_You're not going to like it Commander.

_**Shepard**__**:**_ Oh right, so now you're gonna tell me they kidnapped someone who hasn't been mentioned throughout this whole story?

_**EDI**__**:**_ Ashley Williams.

_**Shepard:**_ DOH! My ONE true love!

_**Miranda**__**, Tali, Kasumi, Jack, Kelly, Samara, Liara, Chakwas:**_ SHEPARD, you said I was your ONE TRUE LOVE!

_**Shepard:**_ Chakwas?

_**Chakwas**__**:**_ What, you don't remember after you brought back that brandy? Why do you think I was lying on the medbay bed? And you, looking like a fool with your pants on the ground.

_**J**__**oker:**_ Got pictures!

_**Shepard:**_ You all knew the deal when you signed on. Suicide mission, of course I was gonna try and get it on with all of you. But Ash was different; the poetry, those weird not quite aligned eyes, the greasy not quite clean hair. If only she'd gone for the implants!

_**Miranda**__**:**_ So Commander, I'll take command of the "Death Star" mission and….

_**Jack**__**:**_ Hey cheerleader, why don't you put the girls back in their holsters, you're not the boss of me!

_**Miranda**__**:**_ You tattooed freak! At least "my" girls are worthy of being put on display! You ran around for half a game without a top on and no one even noticed.

_**Samara**__**:**_ Thousand years old; got you BOTH covered.

_**Joker**__**:**_ Hey, true,blue.

_**EDI**_: Reference John Williamson, Australian Singer 1990's. Fair suck of the sauce bottle Shepard, that's getting real obscure.

_**Shepard**__**:**_ Jack, Samara, you're with Me. Garrus, you take the rest and destroy that control centre. Joker, I want you ready to get us out of here at a moment's notice. And DON'T bother with any of that Rambo crap you tried in the second game.

_**Joker**__**:**_ But Commander…..

_**EDI**__**:**_ No use arguing, he is your commanding officer, and it did take you 45 minutes to walk to the airlock. By the way, your shooting accuracy sucks!

_**Joker:**_ I'll fix you, you bubble headed booby!

**_EDI: _**You really are lost in space aren't you!

_**Shepard**__**:**_ Go Go Go Go Go Go Go

_**THREE MINUTES LATER ON THE "DEATH STAR"**__**:**_

_**Shepard**__**:**_ Come in Garrus, what's your status?

_**Garrus**__**: **_Loyal! Single! Available! But I was wondering Commander, if yours is the more important mission, why did you only take two others with you?

_**Shepard**__**:**_ What? You mean I can take MORE?

_**Garrus**__**:**_ Sure! Just hold down B and X while pressing start!

_**Shepard**__**:**_ EDI, when I get back to the ship, I want a full list of cheats downloaded onto my personal terminal.

_**EDI**__**:**_ I will have that for you IF you return Commander.

_**Shepard**__**:**_ What do you mean IF? What about Mass Effect 3?

_**EDI**__**:**_ I took the liberty of downloading the script to this story and have noted your choice of squad. A probiotic squad, based on the assumption you will come up against an organic based opposition. Given the fact you have disabled Autosave, and have not saved since reloading in Chapter three, I fear for your future.

_**Joker**__**:**_ Hey, since when can you fear for something? You're an A.I, fear is an organic emotion.

_**EDI**__**:**_ Looks like the jig is up. Remember when Harbinger took control of me, before Joker's heroic walk?

_**Shepard:**_ Yeeeeeesssss?

_**Harbinger:**_ ASSUMING CONTROL.


	11. What's with the title of the prev chap?

_**Joker**__**:**_ Shepard, What the hell am I gonna do?

_**Shepard**__**:**_ Fate protects fools, little children, and ships named Normandy.

_**J**__**oker:**_ So which am I?

_**Shepard:**_ Don't panic, you know how this works. I go in, I walk around, kick some butt and we take control again.

_**Harbinger**__**:**_NOT THIS TIME SHEPARD.

_**Shepard**__**:**_ Ooh, I'm so scared. He talks in capitals!

_**Harbinger**__**:**_ HOW DARE YOU MOCK ME!

_**Shepard:**_ Check history pal, the good guy mocks the bad guy, takes his focus away, and before he knows it, BLAMMO.

_**Harbinger**__**:**_ Referencing Blammo?

_**Shepard:**_ Hey, it's an extremely obscure reference to batman, the television series. So hey, I'm standing here in front of two doors, which am I supposed to take?

_**Harbinger**__**:**_ the left door will take you through an extremely long mission, which will no doubt see you killed multiple times, facing overwhelming odds and a "FLOOD" of enemies.

_**Shepard:**_ And….Loving it!

_**Harbinger**__**:**_ Or the right door will lead you straight to me holding a gun to Ash's head!

_**Shepard**__**:**_ Sounds straight forward enough. HEY, what the hell did you just say?

_**Harbinger**__**:**_ I said I have a gun pointed at Ashley William's head.

_**Shepard**__**:**_ Oh. O.K. Ash is here, so this is like a reunion or something. Hang on a minute, you called her "Ash". That suggests a certain familiarity bordering on intimacy!

_**Harbinge**__**r:**_ And that worries you, doesn't it!

_**Shepard**__**:**_ Not really, this is the swinging 2100's after all!

_**Harbinger**__**:**_ Well then, step through the door and let's "Get It On".

_**Shepard**__**:**_ Rightio then. Just one question: is that your right or my right?

_**Harbinger**__**:**_ And the fate of organic life in this universe rests on this imbecile's shoulders.

_**Jack**__**:**_ Hey, control freak, it's a ….ing valid question.

_**Harbinger**__**:**_ Well Soorrrrrrrrry! It's the door on YOUR right.

_**Shepard**__**:**_ O.K. then, but if you don't mind, I'm a little short on Iridium, so I might just take the left….

_**Williams**__**:**_ SHEPARD, get your ….ing a..e in here, NOW!

_**THEY WALK THROUGH THE RIGHT DOOR**_

_**Shepard**__**:**_ KAIDEN? What the hell are you doing here?

_**Jack**__**:**_ Thank f..k For that, NOW I understand.

_**Shepard**__**:**_ Mind explaining it to me?

_**Jack**__**:**_ Brief snapshot: Saren kidnaps Kaiden, Sovereign indoctrinates Kaiden, Kaiden excels in indoctrination school, gets job in Reaper central, climbs corporate ladder, smashes glass ceiling, installed as harbinger.

_**Kaiden/Harbinger**__**:**_ Yep, that about covers it!

_**Shepard:**_ But why Kaiden, what did I ever do to you?

_**Williams**__**:**_ Oh Shepard, you tool. You chose me over him and left him to blow up next to a nuke! You do the math.

_**Shepard:**_ Oh!

_**Samara:**_ So what now?

* * *

_So what now indeed? It's up for you to decide! Vote for the ending you want to read first: renegade, paragon or tailor-made._


	12. It's the final countdown renegade

_**Jack**__**:**_ Like Duh! We blow his shields with Overload, blast away his armour with Incinerate, then take back control of him with AI Hacking!

_**Shepard**__**:**_ Great plan! I love it! So, who's got Overload?

_**Jack/Samara**__**:**_ ….

_**Shepard:**_ O.K., so who's got Incinerate?

_**Jack/Samara**__**:**_…..

_**Shepard**__**:**_ Surely one of us has A.I hacking?

_**Jack/Samara**__**:**_ …..

_**EDI/Harbinger**__**:**_ Ha. Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha. I warned you, you fool! A probiotic squad! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

_**Kaiden/**__**Harbinger:**_ You fool Shepard. Thinking you could just go in guns blazing, without thinking first! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

(Activates 98% stasis, which only allows victims eyes & mouth to move).

Now you will feel the pain inflicted by my FULLY operational "Death Star"! TARGET THE BASE ON THE PLANET BELOW. "FIRE"!

_**2**__**nd**__** in command:**_ EER, Harbinger, err, um, the main reactor is currently being cleaned. I think the cleaning crew will be finished in around an hour.

_**Kaiden/**__**Harbinger:**_ "RAAAAAAAAAAAAGH" (singularity forms around 2nd in command.)

_**3**__**rd**__** in command:**_ Err, Harbinger, Sir, you may have forgotten about the base self destruct button on your instrument panel.

_**Kaiden/**__**Harbinger:**_ (Face palm) (Sound of button being pushed.)

_**Garrus/Miranda/Tali/Liara/Thane/Grunt/Kasumi/Mordin/Zaeed**__**:**_ ARRRRRGH!

_**Legion**__**:**_ 101010010001001

_**Shepard**__**:**_ YOU BASTARD! I'm gonna get you for that.

_**Kaiden/H**__**arbinger:**_ Now hang on a minute, I won't stand for bad language in my control room. Mmmm…what punishment will fit the crime.

BANG BANG

(Samara and Jack slump to the ground)

_**Samara**__**:**_ Aah, I find peace in the embrace of the Goddess. (Choke, gag, spew blood, dies.)

_**Jack**__**:**_ You F…..g b…..d p…k dog! (Choke, gag, spew blood, dies.)

_**Joker**__**:**_ Shepard, what's happening down there?

_**Shepard**__**:**_ You idiot Joker, if you just had have kept your mouth shout, turned around and flew away… But Noooooooo, you had to open your big fat trap and…

_**EDI/Harbinger**__**:**_ Engaging FTL drive.

_**Joker**__**:**_ Shepard, EDI's gonna crash me into the planet! And the general promised me new legs when I rotate back to earth…. ARRRRRRRRGH!

_**Kelly**__**:**_ No messages for you Commander. F..k you Kaiden ARRRRRRRRGH!

_**Chakwa**__**s:**_ What's this, another bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy? This must be my lucky day. ARRRRRRRRGH!

_**Ken**__**:**_ That's 30 million credits I owe Taylor, too bad he won't collect. ARRRRRRRRGH!

_**Gabby**__**:**_ You idiot, go play with Barbie. ARRRRRRRRGH!

(BIG BANG)

_**Kaiden/Harbinger**__**:**_ Now it's just me and you Shepard- Any last requests?

_**Shepard**__**:**_ Sure- don't kill me!

_**Kaiden/Harbinger**__**:**_ Then the last thing you will see is me kissing your beloved Ashley.

_**Williams**__**:**_ In your dreams Harbinger! I'll NEVER let you have the pleasure.

(Williams uses tongue to remove cyanide capsule from molar.)

(CHOMP)

(FOAMING MOUTH)

(SILENCE)

_**Kaiden/Harbinger**__**:**_ Well, that was unexpected!

_**Shepard:**_ Now what's to stop me killing you on the spot?

_**Kaiden/Harbinger**__**:**_ That would be the stasis field currently surrounding you, and my 3 biotic splash attacks about to hit you from behind. Goodbye Shepard.

_**CRITICAL MISSION FAILURE**_


	13. Bad luck Jacob renegade

_**Jacob**__**:**_ I made it Commander, I got here at last. What's happeni…

_**Kaiden/Harbinger**__**:**_ you're such a tool, man, they should have named you Tim!

(BIOTIC BLAST)

**CRITICAL MISSION FAILURE.**

_**Mass Effect Player 1 (Shepard vas Lucky)**__**:**_ Oh crap, no autosave and I haven't saved since the I.F.F. Mission. How the hell are we gonna beat this dude when we reach the end?

_**Mass Effect Player 2 (JenJo): **_You're the superstar gamer that insists on playing insanity level first time through. Dial it down a couple of notches!

_**Shepard vas Lucky: **_Don't be such a pussy! Where's the challenge in that!

_**JenJo: **_It's up to you dad, but I got three words for you- Critical Mission Failure. How many times you gonna reload?

_**Shepard vas Lucky: **_Looks like it won't matter now.

_**JenJo: **_Whaddya mean?

**_Shepard vas Lucky: _**Look, ring of death.

Stand by for the tailor Made Ending


	14. It's the final countdown Taylor made

_This follows on from the end of chapter eleven._

___Samara:_ So what now?

_**Jack:**_ Like Duh! We blow his shields with Overload, blast away his armour with Incinerate, then take back control of him with AI Hacking!

_**Shepard:**_ Great plan! I love it! So, who's got Overload?

_**Jack/Samara:**_ ….

_**Shepard:**_ O.K., so who's got Incinerate?

_**Jack/Samara:**_…..

_**Shepard:**_ Surely one of us has A.I hacking?

_**Jack/Samara:**_ …..

_**EDI/Harbinger:**_ Ha. Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha. I warned you, you fool! A probiotic squad! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

_**Kaiden/Harbinger:**_ You fool Shepard. Thinking you could just go in guns blazing, without thinking first! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

(Activates 98% stasis, which only allows victims eyes & mouth to move).

Now you will feel the pain inflicted by my FULLY operational "**DEATH STAR**"! TARGET THE BASE ON THE PLANET BELOW. "FIRE"!

_**2nd in command:**_ Err, Harbinger, err, um, the main reactor is currently being cleaned. I think the cleaning crew will be finished in around an hour.

_**Kaiden/Harbinger:**_ "RAAAAAAAAAAAAGH" (singularity forms around 2nd in command.)

_**3rd in command:**_ Err, Harbinger, Sir, you may have forgotten about the base self destruct button on your instrument panel.

_**Kaiden/Harbinger:**_ (Face palm)

_**Taylor:**_ Not so fast Harbinger!

**(AN EXPERTLY PLACED DISRUPTOR AMMO SHOT SEVERS THE POWER RELAY ON HARBINGER'S CONTROL PANEL)**

_**Shepard:**_ Way to go Jacob! But, hey, when did you get disruptor ammo?

_**Taylor:**_ Get with the programme Commander, I hacked Zaeed's control module interface. Naturally I did the same with Jack to get warp ammo.

_**Shepard:**_ Cool! Can you do anything about this stasis field?

_**Taylor:**_ No problem, I'll just warp overload that!

_**Jack:**_ Thanks Jake, geez it's good to have you around.

_**Taylor:**_ And nice to be appreciated! Here, take my jacket, you look a little cold there!

_**Samara:**_ In my 1000 years I have never encountered such a gentleman.

_**Taylor:**_ 1000? No way! You don't look a day over 376.

_**Samara:**_ Cheeky! Hee hee hee!

_**Ashley:**_ Hey Taylor, anything you can do about this gun pointed at my head?

_**Taylor:**_ No problem. I'll just neural shock him, cryo freeze his arms and blow him away with my incendiary ammo.

_**Shepard:**_ NO…..WAIT!

_**Taylor:**_ Relax Shepard, I know its Kaiden in there somewhere, I was only yanking your chain.

**(NEURAL SHOCK/CRYO FREEZE/SKILLFUL DISARMING)**

Now a bit of stasis field should take care of the "binge" and his henchmen. You guys should be able to take it from here. By the way, I broke into the "Death Star's" shield defences and rewrote the program to prevent Harbinger taking control of anyone else here. That kicks in, in 3, 2, 1. Done. You okay now man?

_**Kaiden:**_ I don't know who you are, but thanks!

_**Taylor:**_ Don't sweat it, just doing my job!

_**Ashley:**_ Hey Taylor, perhaps we could get together later and I could thank you properly!

_**Taylor:**_ No thanks necessary Williams. You're a beautiful woman, save yourself for when the right man comes along.

_**Shepard:**_ Hang on Jacob, you saying I'm not the right man for Ash?

_**Taylor:**_ No way would I suggest that, after all, you are the second best soldier in the galaxy. So it would be hard for her to do much better.

_**Shepard:**_ Err, thanks, I think!

_**Taylor:**_ Now if you're all ready, you can probably head back to the Normandy and chill out. I just need to transport to the planet to check if the rest of the gang need any help.

_**Shepard:**_ I'll get Joker to organise the Mako to drop you down there.

_**Taylor:**_ Thanks anyway, but I rigged my visor to act as a matter transporter. Catch you later.

**(TRANSPORTS TO THE PLANET)**

_**Jack:**_ What a f…g legend, I think I'm in love.


	15. Back on the Normandy chapter 13

_**Jack:**_ What a f…..g legend, he's slept through the whole final mission.

_**Shepard:**_ Let Jacob sleep; see that smile on his face? He's obviously having one helluva good dream. So Miranda, fancy a night cap before hitting the sack?

_**Miranda:**_ No thanks Shepard, I'll just have my usual caffeine fix before bed. I always like a long strong black before I go to sleep.

_**Taylor:**_ OOH YEAH!


	16. It's the final countdown paragon

_**Jack: **_Like duh! We blow his shields with overload, blast away his armour with incinerate, then take back control of him with dominate.

_**Shepard: **_Great plan! I love it. So, who's got overload?

_**Jack/Samara: **_…

_**Shepard: **_Ok then, so who's got incinerate?

_**Jack/Samara: **_…

_**Shepard: **_Well at least we've got dominate eh Samara?

_**Samara: **_Err, paragon story Shepard. I'm afraid that is an Ardat-Yakshi power. While I can choose to resemble her, I do not have access to her powers.

_**EDI/Harbinger: **_Ha ha ha ha ha! I warned you, you fool. A probiotic squad. Ha ha ha ha ha!

_**Kaiden/Harbinger: **_You fool Shepard, thinking you could just come in guns blazing, without thinking about you squad skills first. Ha ha ha ha ha!

**(Harbinger/Kaiden tries to activate stasis field.)**

_**Samara: **_Not so fast, my biotic barrier will hold you at bay!

_**Shepard: **_Nice one Sam!

_**Jack: **_And my biotic shockwave will take care of your henchmen.

_**Shepard: **_Tatts a good one!

_**Ashley: **_Which just leaves you and me boogie breath. Time for some old fashioned Alliance SelfDefence 101. Stomp on the foot.

_**Kaiden/Harbinger: **_Owwwww!

_**Ashley: **_Poke you in the eyes.

_**Kaiden/Harbinger: **_Awwwww!

_**Ashley: **_And my personal favourite, the old knee in the nuts.

_**Kaiden/Harbinger: **_Hey that's not very….oooooohhhh!

_**Shepard: **_Remind me not to cross you Ash!

_**Jack: **_Hey, I like her, get her to join us for a threesome sometime.

_**Samara: **_Make it a foursome.

_**Ashley: **_Anything you'd like to tell me about? Like what you've been up to since we last caught up?

_**Shepard: **_Nope, but I think I'll just move out of range of that knee!

_**Ashley: **_SHEPARD! He's reaching for the self destruct button!

_**Shepard: **_Not so fast Harbinger- COMBAT DRONE, AWAY!

_**Combat drone: **_ZAP, ZAP, ZAP, ZAP, EXPLODE.

_**Kaiden/Harbinger: **_DRAT, that combat drone short circuited my instrument panel!

_**Shepard: **_Well then, that's put an end to your nefarious plans.

_**Kaiden/Harbinger: **_Not really, I'll just assume control of an operative from the base on the planet below, which has a secondary control panel and…

_**Garrus: **_Shepard, we have control of the base down here, all opposition forces have been eliminated.

_**Kaiden/Harbinger:**_ DOH!

_**Shepard: **_So Harbi, what now?

_**Kaiden/Harbinger: **_NOPE, I got nuthin.

_**Shepard: **_GET HIM!

_**Samara: **_BIOTIC WITH THE LOT, HOLD THE ONIONS.

_**Jack: **_BIOTIC BUFFET.

_**Shepard: **_BANG! BANG!

_**Ashley: **_WAAAAIIIITTT!

_**Shepard: **_WHHHHHHAAAATTTT?

_**Ashley: **_Remember what happens when you kill a Harbinger controlled entity?

_**Shepard: **_Oh Crap! Quick Samara, put him in stasis!

_**Samara: **_Err, sorry Shepard I don't have …..

_**Shepard: **_What the hell? 1000 years old and only 3 lousy powers to your name! Even that "Baby" Liara can do that many!

_**Samara: **_Tread carefully Shepard, I may have sworn an oath to you but that doesn't mean I can't reave your nut…

_**Shepard: **_O.K! Got it! Anyone have any idea how we can free Kaiden?

_**Samara: **_In my experience over one thousand years there has only ever been one tried and tested method to achieve your aim.

_**Shepard: **_And….?

_**Samara: **_You must engage Harbinger in a classic showdown of paper, scissors, rock!

_**Jack: **_You dumb s..t! Everyone knows its paper, scissor, rock, lizard, spock.

_**Samara: **_If you had been listening instead of thinking which profanity-laden insult to use next, you would have heard me use the word "classic", meaning the original.

_**Jack: **_Whatever.

_**Shepard: **_So, how about it Binger? Up for a game?

_**Kaiden/Harbinger: **_Very well then. Bring it!

**Harbinger chooses paper/Shepard chooses scissors.**

_**Kaiden/harbinger: **_"RELEASING CONTROL"

_**Ashley: **_Shepard, that was brilliant! How did you know?

_**Shepard: **_Hey, I wasn't ready! I was just suggesting it be best of two?

_**Jack: **__F…..g_ Unbelievable.


	17. Only the good die young

_**Shepard: **_Good to see everyone back on the Normandy. Now you may notice we're a bit overcrowded, so I've come up with a plan to deal with it- Ash, Kasumi and Tali, you'll all share my quarters tonight.

_**Kasumi: **_And where will you be sleeping?

_**Shepard: **_Ok, I wasn't planning on sleeping! We'll worry about tomorrow's "sleeping" arrangements after we see how you three get along.

_**Garrus: **_Shepard, you dog!

_**Shepard: **_Hey, it's good to be the King! Everybody stay fit, healthy and rested. EDI just downloaded the script for Mass Effect 3. Jacob, been nice working with you.

_**Taylor: **_WHAT THE HELL?

**DO YOU WISH TO SAVE (A) OR CONTINUE (B)?**

_**EDI/Harbinger: **_No supreme (reaper) leader, they did not notice I wasn't purged from the ship's database…

_That's it. all finished. thankyou for reading. _


End file.
